spillers records

hey i do not want for my blog to be depressing, but seriously I've got problems. i cannot say anything because someone will throw me in the mental house but I'm holding on I'm holding on fine. today was just another day. better than the day before, Monday to be precise was one of the most horrible days in my whole bloody life. i did so many things that i have a prove of and i have to look a it every day in regret and disgust in myself. My mum will help me, she understands. I've told her everything. She's like my best friend.
I have some poems on my phone but they're all from like yesterday and Sunday. depressive. yesterday, to keep myself alive (literally, there was something in my head telling me to do stupid things) I knew there had to be someone around me , ye i was home alone, so i rang Batoul, she didn't answer. I left a message. I called Josie. She didn't answer, I'm assuming i have the wrong number. But i left a message anyway because i had to keep myself busy until my parents come home. So i rang Arman and he said it's OK for me to go down his house. Boy's are so easy going, he didn't even ask questions he just carried on playing his x-box, while i did some art work to keep me calm. well this was all yesterday. I met up with Batoul today, i didn't feel empty today, not really. just a little bit but i can cope with that. She came down my house and we went for a ride with bikes. She's also got shit in her life, bless her. We were like two depressing people going on bikes and trying to be happy. I will go school tomorrow, just because it'll keep me alive. No more posts like these, huh? I wont write in here unless I'm totally recovered from this shit called depression. I'm going to have a cup of coffee and then learn a page or two from science book, because i haven't done a shit today.

sunny thursday morning.

Woke up t 05.30.
Went to the gym with my daddy
Had a Starbucks in the Hayes
Atm in the library researching art and looking for a good book.

p.s. Hopefully something in the bus will inspire me to write some poetry crap. well on my way to town there was a LOUDLY moaning guy sitting right behind me which did not inspire me to write anything. I wish i had my headphones with me. He was constantly moaning and groaning for 40 minutes, such a awful way to wake up ;)

edit secretly

Well there you go. Another pretty crappy and 'I don't know where these words are coming from' poem. Maybe it's a story. I've no idea.

Anyway.

I don't fully understand. Almost nobody trusts me. It's not like I've ever told anyone a secret well have I? I love it when people trust me and. Well whatever. I'm just nor good enough. I'm selfish. I feel selfish. How could I be writing this now if i wasn't? I always trust people really quickly. I attach to people. Like a little unwanted... Something. Maybe they don't like it. Sometimes I think I try too I try too hard and I become a drag.

Please could anyone ever ring me show me they care? huh. guess not. don't call me. I'll be in my room with phone switched off and reading a book until I fall asleep.

I hate how I'm always last to know that something has happened. I guess I'm in my own little world most of the time. I hang out there with my imaginary friends. Like yesterday on the bus. I imagined there's this little elf thing jumping by the bus. And stalking me. It never left me alone. And It could only jump, not walk. Only on green things, e.g grass, green cars etc. And then I lightly waved, when nobody was looking, as my friend chose a different path. See it's so much fun hanging out with your imaginary stalker elf. I could imagine it in my room. Although there are no green things in my room. Aw shit I talk too much. I'm crazy. There's something messed up in my head.

live, love, hate, drink (water)

hello (:
I'm a lot better today than I was yesterday. Because to be honest, yesterday was almost  twice as bad as the day I wrote my last post. Sunday night i went to sleep at around half past four, because I kept waking up again and again. And i woke up around nine. Not much sleep that day huh. I don't know why maybe it was just a very stressful Sunday. Oh my days are mixing. It took me around two minutes to figure out today was Tuesday.  Well so yesterday I went town with my mum. And on the bus stop in St Mellons i started crying, no no tears just started rolling down my cheeks. And i counted them. Until they stopped. My mum didn't even notice, which I am really glad about. In town i bought stuff for my art, like chalk and charcoal and pencil and a recycled A4 drawing pad. Yay I'm earthy. And also um whatsitcalled... Some acrylic paint. Then my mum wanted to take me to Schuh (or whatever it's called) and buy me new shoes. It's funny, she saw my converses and freaked out, because all of them have holes. I want a different pair of converses this time bus she said i should buy something more summery. So I said no, I'm going home to sleep. When I came home I couldn't sleep and I just walked around half dead. Oh oh I drew my friend Terese from Latvia. I saw a picture of her on  my wall and i thought 'it's perfect.' because i'm doing theme on young & old so she was like perfect for 'young and carefree' i mean that picture was. I'll put it up later.
I really don't like it this how. I went outside in my garden because i needed a cigarette. It was so freaking boiling, aww I hate sunny and hot afternoons. I think that if I lived somewhere in California or Australia I'd die. The best place for me would be in Canada. Or Norway or Denmark. God I love those countries <3
I think it's Charlie's barbecue tomorrow and I'm physically not ready to leave my house. Im too tired. I've been deadly tired past couple of days. hah bye bye (:

wearing out

i feel really weird. like I'm empty. i don't know whats wrong with me.this is the second time this month when i have the feeling. it kinda burns inside my stomach and my chest feels dead. and empty. I've been fighting with crying this whole day and huh... in not giving up. I think the relationship with my mum is falling apart. She usually begs me to come downstairs because I'm always locked in my room. And then today she has a day off and i try spending as much time as i can with her and basically all I've done is made her really angry (it's something i said) and upset. and she told me like twice to get away and that she does not want to see me. I guess I'm a horrible person. i don;t know. I'm jealous of other people when they have all the things i don't. not gonna mention what it is i am jealous of. oh god my eyes are full.sorry i give up. don't tick this as depressive anyone or I'll hate you.

these I wrote today while sitting on bus.
There are so many because I cached 6 buses throughout the whole day...Oh no I better not publish them all today. kk, there's one it's not very good though just mumbling.

imagine

ahhhh

and here we go again. another cheesy shit.