27 July 2013

A wonderful light

Not sure just quite how to put things into words, feed your minds little pieces of my own. 
Last night I had flyering. I'm not sure why I am like this but I feel like I need to be wrecked every time I flyer for Bogiez. Me and Zoe, controlling ourselves went with the healthier option of getting lemonade and large bottle of Vodka to get us through it all. I was in a great mood, bullshit or not (I don't know anymore, whether I feel happy when I'm happy or whether it's my mind raping itself with happy thoughts just not to let shit get to me.) Yeah I was having lots of fun singing, dancing and talking away the streets of Cardiff when me and Zo got back to our spot by Burger King, and I was tipsy and I saw Ewan. Something just shattered inside. And it feels changed ever since that moment. The wall broke. It's over, over, over, over. I've been depriving myself of real, of real human emotions and I hate that. But I also hate feeling sorry for myself. That night we didn't go to sleep, until 6. When I was upstairs in the guest room, I couldn't sleep. I then asked him if I could get into his bed but half hour passed and I was still up staring into the ceiling. Oh dear, that must have been the worse I've felt in time. I quietly got up and sneaked out of his house. Didn't go to sleep until 1 in the day, and woke up at 5.
Last two weeks have been amazing, however a little empty maybe. I am trying to sort myself out. I feel I can be happy but I need to embrace reality, normality and routine again.
I have to leave for flyering in half hour so I cant write for much more. Hopefully it'll go smoothly. My stomach turns when I think of having to stay in Ewan's guest room again tonight. I feel like a stranger in that house. It wasn't like that last week, just yesterday, I hope It'll be okay.
Because this is my parents computer, I haven't got any photos. But I do have some selfies that I've just taken, ah cringyness almighty! Oh i nearly forgot to mention, the other week me and Zoe got little memory tattoo's on our arms on a crazy night out, by a tattoo artist who. was. fuuuked. haha! it's wonky but sort of represents all I am in my mind right now. :) (apart from that its also a Nirvana logo haha).
Going to finish my tea now, put on some extra layers because it's finally rainy in Wales again! Make a rollie and go to work. Have a lovely Saturday.