01 November 2016

today is today, tomorrow is irrelevant.


     Soooo... I'm fine, I've been very busy, but sometimes I wonder back on my day and think what I've been busy with... Some days I wake up and think I'll do lots of things and then forget and procrastinate, eat and go for a coffee and read and stare out the window or at the wall. (this one evening i was so frustrated with my dissertation that without thinking I walked over to the bathroom with my scissors and cut my hair short... This, you could call extreme procrastination...)

     Today I woke, ate breakfast, smoked a cigarette on the lovely balcony of the flat I'm living in at the moment  in Homerton (I live with a woman and her 17-year-old daughter ) It was super foggy and eerie so it was perfect for indulging myself in books and art for the day. By 12pm I actually started doing work but then my room was too distracting, so I went to a coffee / bar right by my house where I finally could do some reading there. Finally this evening I got my thoughts together and made some coherent decisions on where my dissertation is going and it actually connects with my project. It will be about beauty, about its construct, its pleasure and its labour. Here is something I wrote today...

Beauty... She is everywhere, haunting us in our daydreams and in our nightmares. She is on TV and in magazines and in the books we read and imagine. We love her and admire her and we want to be her. 'Don't you want to be me? I don't want to be you'  (Manifesta, 102) she echoes in our minds. She wants to be wanted, she seduces us, but (often?) she embodies  the two dimensional image. She is found in the context of the page, the screen or the imaginary. When beauty moves outside of this realm into reality she is experienced passively through a distance. 

       Beauty is a bit of a taboo... That'ss exactly why I want to write about it. It is a taboo exactly because no one wants to talk about it, perhaps because it seems shallow or vain to be thinking about beauty when there are issues that are much more important or problematic out there. But this is a sort of day to day kind of idea, that brings us both pleasure and pain. We all put effort into looking good thorough shaving, putting make up on etc and I can imagine after a while of doing it it can become unbearable...

       So last week I was diagnosed dyslexic... Ha! I don't really think I am, but anyway I guess it's better to know about it and to acknowledge your traits. I don't know.. Somehow these days I'm finding my mind is chaotic, all over the place. Then here, then there and nowhere at all.

         I went to a party at a theatre in the Grand in Clapham Junction this weekend with the girls and Emre, we had a laugh but we got very high and so I lost my olympus xa2 camera and left my phone there... Typical. After the party and a shitty afterparty I came home, and slept for a few hours. (at this poiny i was feeling quite.. lonely?) That day I had work which was fun, we got drunk and afterwards me a few peeps from work went to this guy Adam's place round the corner. He is about 45 years old, or so, and we had a great big discussion slash argument about feminism... Not that I wanted to convince him or oppress my opinions, but because he had made some pretty stupid points that made me angry. Had to cycle home in the middle of a night, drunk and high through a fog then got home and passed out in my bed with all my clothes on, all the glitter and woke up 5 minutes before my shift!

       Its pathetic but I feel a bit lonely. I think I need sex? I don't know... I was going to actually put some effort in boys when we went out on Friday, but I totally forgot about it, and just had fun without flirting etc. And. in any case I'm not allowed to bring boys over to my house. Haha! So looks like its going to be a sexually uneventful year for me... Actually, I need to quit thinking so pessimistically, okay fine. 

p.s. have not shaved my armpits for about over a month! yey, feels great I actually kind of like my hairs :))

p.s.s i just spilt red wine on the lovely white carpet :((((( nooooo what is life at 12am in the morning....