23.06.2017

Why am I so strongly attached to the feeling of nostalgia and melancholy? 

I just got home. Got comfortable in in my tidy lovely room -as of yesterday. If my room is clean I can be in a clear state of mind too, in theory. I'm trying anyway. Just cycled back from Bianca's pub, where we sat, drunk and smoked chatting about our soon near future plans of moving in together, boys and girls and other things. Now I am sitting in bed literally naked from the heat. I have just written a poem.

About right now,

And about my last two weeks.

But in the way that I feel about in

In this moment and time.

Hopefully, you get something out of it.

Bye. x

Cycling down past Cambridge Heath and London Fields

Blurry eyed I sing out loud

Eyes half closed

To feel the danger

The fragility of life

The music brings me back to state of mind

To before

now

I feel so close 

Yet am a million miles away

Nothing in particular

To feel so blue about

Forever a fluorescent tint 

To the book, you read and imagine

Even in happiness

I'm brushing past time

Floating through space

As always in a daydream

My mind is neither here nor there

In his and her bed

I exist truly

In the moment

Grasping opportunities

Fucking things up

In my bed I sleep alone tonight

Get a little high 

Wake a little late

In a lake of possibilities

Drowning

Reminded of reality

Nothing to lose now

I get through this day

Attaching my self to things

To places and maybes

I pour my souls and breaths 

Into conversations

For hopes for the future

That carry me forward

But time

Which turns into a blurry dream

a bubble only burst by precious 

anxieties

and guilt

and love

and sex

and kisses

Makes me ask

But what is love?

I take it in 

Like a breath

A necessity to keep me alive

And feeling

Or not

I'm in a shell

Only breakable by a spell

When I love I'll know

it

He's far too close

She's far too far

Her ways of being 

Is the most complicated of easy

Yet tangled in her guts 

I'm dragging the iron anchor

To the sea

Where we will make love

Probably again and again

And the bed

Becomes a place of a dream

Felt but not truly remembered

We are just fucking around

Running away from life and its burdens

Two lost souls

Pouring intoxicating liquids into cups

Trying to make it

In our heads

Feeling guilty, lost and bored

We make bad decisions

High and drunk

But not always

Its fun

Because life is too short

To be too good

And so things are fixed

For right now

Still the feeling of content

And safety

Carries on

As a blue, nonexistent feeling in my stomach

today is today, tomorrow is irrelevant.

Hi.

     Soooo... I'm fine, I've been very busy, but sometimes I wonder back on my day and think what I've been busy with... Some days I wake up and think I'll do lots of things and then forget and procrastinate, eat and go for a coffee and read and stare out the window or at the wall. (this one evening i was so frustrated with my dissertation that without thinking I walked over to the bathroom with my scissors and cut my hair short... This, you could call extreme procrastination...)

     Today I woke, ate breakfast, smoked a cigarette on the lovely balcony of the flat I'm living in at the moment  in Homerton (I live with a woman and her 17-year-old daughter ) It was super foggy and eerie so it was perfect for indulging myself in books and art for the day. By 12pm I actually started doing work but then my room was too distracting, so I went to a coffee / bar right by my house where I finally could do some reading there. Finally this evening I got my thoughts together and made some coherent decisions on where my dissertation is going and it actually connects with my project. It will be about beauty, about its construct, its pleasure and its labour. Here is something I wrote today...

Beauty... She is everywhere, haunting us in our daydreams and in our nightmares. She is on TV and in magazines and in the books we read and imagine. We love her and admire her and we want to be her. 'Don't you want to be me? I don't want to be you'  (Manifesta, 102) she echoes in our minds. She wants to be wanted, she seduces us, but (often?) she embodies  the two dimensional image. She is found in the context of the page, the screen or the imaginary. When beauty moves outside of this realm into reality she is experienced passively through a distance. 

       Beauty is a bit of a taboo... That'ss exactly why I want to write about it. It is a taboo exactly because no one wants to talk about it, perhaps because it seems shallow or vain to be thinking about beauty when there are issues that are much more important or problematic out there. But this is a sort of day to day kind of idea, that brings us both pleasure and pain. We all put effort into looking good thorough shaving, putting make up on etc and I can imagine after a while of doing it it can become unbearable...

       So last week I was diagnosed dyslexic... Ha! I don't really think I am, but anyway I guess it's better to know about it and to acknowledge your traits. I don't know.. Somehow these days I'm finding my mind is chaotic, all over the place. Then here, then there and nowhere at all.

         I went to a party at a theatre in the Grand in Clapham Junction this weekend with the girls and Emre, we had a laugh but we got very high and so I lost my olympus xa2 camera and left my phone there... Typical. After the party and a shitty afterparty I came home, and slept for a few hours. (at this poiny i was feeling quite.. lonely?) That day I had work which was fun, we got drunk and afterwards me a few peeps from work went to this guy Adam's place round the corner. He is about 45 years old, or so, and we had a great big discussion slash argument about feminism... Not that I wanted to convince him or oppress my opinions, but because he had made some pretty stupid points that made me angry. Had to cycle home in the middle of a night, drunk and high through a fog then got home and passed out in my bed with all my clothes on, all the glitter and woke up 5 minutes before my shift!

       Its pathetic but I feel a bit lonely. I think I need sex? I don't know... I was going to actually put some effort in boys when we went out on Friday, but I totally forgot about it, and just had fun without flirting etc. And. in any case I'm not allowed to bring boys over to my house. Haha! So looks like its going to be a sexually uneventful year for me... Actually, I need to quit thinking so pessimistically, okay fine. 

p.s. have not shaved my armpits for about over a month! yey, feels great I actually kind of like my hairs :))

p.s.s i just spilt red wine on the lovely white carpet :((((( nooooo what is life at 12am in the morning....
Bye.

Between two polar opposites...

I'm sitting in my bed with my windows open. It's a grey and windy Saturday afternoon, my mood doesn't really oscillate towards either good or bad, it's just in the middle. Exactly, or kind of like the colour grey itself, that is made up of the mixture of black and white, of light and dark. Conjuring the two together you find yourself in the midst of grey, grey grey the most nonchalant of all colours. I am feeling quite apathetic today...Before going to bed I was very motivated to do some uni work today but when today's morning came (more like mid day..) I made myself a breakfast and a coffee and ate it in bed whilst watching John Oliver, and so it continued this way until now. I have been ignoring my phone today. It's one of those days, when I am not in the mood to speak to people. But Arianna called me two times which I ignored but then when I was bored of my own thoughts I gave her a call back, as I pictured her being quite lonely all by herself in her flat in Mile End. All the girls are in Italy at the moment and Arianna is such a people person, that one day without human contact could probably cause great damage or severe depressive mood. So I will go to meet her outside my work in London Fields and we will probably end up in my bar, drinking something alcoholic to cure our long-overdue hangovers. 

This windy day fits perfectly in sync with my mood. For that I am happy. I am feeling a little blue I guess, because its nearly the end of summer and once again I haven't done half of the things I thought I would. It's depressing, I haven't even finished a single book. I fluctuate between books, between stories and between characters. I am reading three books at the moment, two of which were suggested on my uni reading list and one is about the concept of seduction. The more I read the latter the less I understand exactly what it is but Baudrillard seems to connect it with death quite a lot which I do not understand. I understand that it is the combination of presence and absence and desire. Interestingly, sex is an act which causes the death of seduction... 

Tomorrow before going to work I will clean my room, reply to Louises letter and spend the day reading and making notes. I think I will write my dissertation about something related to feminism, or the confused state of feminism in contemporary society but somehow relate it to the body and artificiality. Haha, here you go, you know now that I have no clue, actually what I will write it about...

Anyways, here are some pictures from June 2016, from our uni trip to Whitstable :)

Ok bye,

Agnese

Grrr

      Everybody has gone swimming, I couldn't go because I'm a lazy girl and I just got up!!! Grrrrr! I completely couldn't get to sleep last night, my back hurt and I just couldn't get photography and Francesca Allen out of my head. Silly I know, I just kept thinking back on how well she has done in Photography since graduating LCC, and the only thing that is stopping me is me, and the fact that I just need to work myself to the bone when I get back to uni. shoot shoot shoot! Also couldn't stop thinking about the camera I'm buying on payday, a lovely Canon T90! It's the stuff, really, has so many different functions and great reviews. But its heavy, around a kilogram. I am going to get two lenses for it and a flash upon my payday! And best of all it's all going to work out pretty cheap!! Ok sorry, not going to spent my post talking about cameras..
       I've moved back home to Cardiff by the way. Like end of June. I've been here for about  month, to be honest feels longer. I spend my days working (though barely, just had three days off), lazing about at Ewan's or at home. We try to do stuff but it's hard, I still have no money because I've been waiting for my pay and Ewan barely gets work from the agency. So we went to Barry beach, on Saturday with his mum Elizabeth and Jaynie to watch his dad Chris, who played jazz at the seafront. We ate packed sandwiches, dinky donuts, ice cream and drank wine (out of the bottle which Elizabeth was a bit outraged). And then Sunday when it was just really miserable all day, we took Jaynie to the museum. :)
       Other than that, the weathers been shitty for a while, its quite cold- typical Welsh summer. But perfect for indoorsy things, like yesterday I met up with Louise and we went to develop film, chilled in her loft room and then went for a coffee/hot chocolate at #Coffee 1.
       Well the days are kind of slow, and I try to do as many things as I can, even though I intended to do so many more (like already had read a book or two). I'm slowly reading. Slowly creating projects in my head. Slowly documenting everything I do with my Trip. And sitting on the internet. A lot.

      Here are some snaps from a BBQ I had with my parents and Ewan the other week, and the rest are pictures I did when I was bored at Ewans house.

Friday Evening Mind Storms

Don't know why now is the right moment for writing a blog post; I'm sitting in my kitchen, it's like an earthquake here, thanks to the washing machine. It's a beautiful kind of humid, cloudy and grey outside! I've just got back from the shop, went there to get tobacco, came back with a 2 litre bottle of Cider. Times are hard, I'm broke, totally and absolutely. I stood outside the 'old man' pub of new cross for a bit, listening to an older bloke sing some trashy 90's song! Was stood there giggling.
Dilemmas, dilemmas. I'm in two minds about  what to do for summer. Mum has called her work friend who works in another hotel, and they are looking for people. So... The thing is I would stay if I had enough money to get by, but I don't think that's happening. I have £50 pound to my name. Wooo! So I'm likely going back to Cardiff. I'm happy, but I just feel like I want to be independent, so going back is a bit of a step backwards because I lose my room here at the house. And I have to move all the stuff... That's the most shit thing haha!
I'm nearly done with the project. Tomorrow we finishing the presentation all together at Afra's place, and rehearsing for it; we're on, 12 on Tuesday! This term has been totally stress-less, except maybe the beginning. 
I have been taking photos recently. I realise every time I'm depressed; I'm not taking photos. I've been using my Olympus Trip 35 camera, and with good film in it, it looks great. They look the best with flash, so I try and use it more now. I love the artificiality and flatness.
I don't really want to do a long post, so I'll leave you here.
Going to go read up some Uncanny theories, still haven't done it. 
It's Friday night! 
Here's some snaps from the last week or so.